


all my demons have your smile

by zoyasnazyalensky



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, can you tell yet that i want them to kiss?, is that obvious?, it's just yearning, leigh bardugo released a teaser and it bulldozed my entire fucking day, spoiler: it's not, this was supposed to be fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:00:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27451624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoyasnazyalensky/pseuds/zoyasnazyalensky
Summary: He kissed her like he was making sure nothing got lost in translation. He wanted her to know every thought, every feeling, every emotion he was too terrified to name. He wanted her to know that if he were anyone else and the circumstances were any different it would be her. It would always be her. It was her.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	all my demons have your smile

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if I would say this is based on the rule of wolves teaser we got yesterday, because it doesn't really relate it to it very much. But!! I did use that scene as a starting point and then that sort of just snowballed into what it is now. 
> 
> P.S. I really just wrote this as a way to vent about how much I love zoyalai and how excited I am for kos2 so I apologize in advance if there are any plot holes in the details! If you need me I'll be ignoring the mention of literal doom and destruction and focusing on the international implications of that one line forever.

_“Mass destruction. Certain doom.”_

_“Not entirely certain,” said Zoya._

_Nikolai cut her a glance. She’d tied back her black hair with a dark blue ribbon. It was eminently practical, but it had the unfortunate effect of making him want to untie it. “Do I detect optimism is my most pessimistic general?”_

_“Likely doom,” Zoya corrected, pulling gently on her white mare’s reigns._

“Either way,” Tamar warned, “I doubt we can go any further without an actual plan.”

A laugh cut through the still air, short and concise. Zoya and Tolya shared a glance, then: “You mean you don’t love the ‘walk straight into the middle of chaos we know nothing about’ plan we’ve been following so far? How shocking!” Zoya deadpanned. Now that he had taken note of the hair falling over her shoulder Nikolai couldn't pull his eyes from it. He watched the way it cascaded down, framing her face, the tail of her braid coming to rest at her collar bone, feeling hypnotized. 

“We don’t know _nothing_ ,” Nikolai corrected her, although he wasn’t sure why. She was not completely wrong. “We know that Nina is in trouble and we know she’s not the only one.” He said it as an assurance but the second he did he knew he had made a mistake. At the mention of Nina’s name, Zoya stiffened. 

Tolya must have picked up on it too because he wasted no time jumping in to bring them back on topic. “Still,” he said, “it couldn’t hurt to stop for an hour and get some sleep.”

“In the middle of the road? In broad daylight?” 

“The only reason we’re taking this route in the first place is that no one ever uses it,” Tamar assured him. “It’s destroyed and abandoned.”

“We’ll be safe here,” Tolya cut in, perfectly timed with his sister. If Nikolai didn’t know any better he’d say they had rehearsed that. “We can take turns keeping watch.” 

“It _would_ be better to travel into the town in darkness than in daylight,” Nikolai mumbled, contemplating. He turned to Zoya, who had been uncharacteristically quiet until then. “What do you think?”

“It’s your decision,” she told him. 

He tried to read her expression but there was a wall put up that wasn’t there a moment ago and so he turned to Tamar and Tolya once again. “Do you think we should stop?” They shared a glance, communicating in some silent language Nikolai was not privy to, then nod. “That settles it then. We’ll stay until nightfall.” 

....

They set up camp in a makeshift tent; it was really just some extra blankets draped over conveniently shaped rocks. The others insist that Nikolai take the first shift resting. He isn’t sure what time he falls asleep, but when he woke up it was to a sky dancing with colors. The sun was setting as he clambered out of the tent to find Zoya keeping guard close by. He offered her an awkward wave when she met his gaze, still stuck on the defeated way she'd been looking at him all day. She returned it with matching hesitance. 

When he finally pulled himself out of his train of thought he realized that he'd been staring, but before he could think of something to say he heard her voice. “Tolya is asleep,” she said distractedly, motioning to a second tent that hadn’t been there when he’d disappeared into his. “Tamar is gone to look for water. She thought she saw a river not too far back.” 

“Good.” Nikolai nodded, clearing his throat. “That’s good.” He paused to look at her again. “Did you get a chance to rest?”

Zoya offered him a pointed look he didn't understand, and then she smiled, a small secret smile that couldn't interpret even if he tried. It made him want to reach out to her. He didn't, of course, he didn't. The journey was doing a number on him. “I did,” she told him. 

“Did you sleep well?” He asked, staring dumbfounded at the strands of hair escaping her braid. She looked mesmerizing in the light of dusk. Her skin tinted pink and then marigold, her eyes burning amber. He wasn't sure why he chose to ask her that. He knew she couldn't have slept well because he didn’t, because who could? Considering the fact that they were about to potentially walk to their deaths, it seemed a miracle that either of them was able to close their eyes at all. He found himself wanting to ask her so much more, anyway. He wanted to ask her how she’d been, really. He felt like he hadn’t seen her in weeks outside of their Triumvirate meetings. She had become a ghost ever since they got back from the Fold, haunting his every thought. He wanted to tell her he missed having her always at his side, that as dutiful a queen as Ehri was, he didn't feel half as good to be in her presence as he did Zoya’s. He wanted to tell her he’d been thinking of her a lot. Always. His mind returned to her like waves to the shore. Sometimes, without even meaning to, he let his mind wander... He considered how cruel the world was to put her right in front of him and not let him have her. 

“As good as can be expected considering we’re on a dirt road with nothing but a weak cloth as shelter.” 

“Well I’m glad you’re enjoying it so much,” He said with a grin. She shot him a scowl and Nikolai felt the words on the tip of his tongue once again.

“I don’t see any scenario in which this ends well,” she said, softly. He wondered for a second if he’d spoken his mind. If he voiced the myriad of thoughts bouncing around in his head. But when he turned to her, she was staring over the mountains laid out in front of them. He wondered if she could see the town they were slowly moving toward, if she could see the chaos awaiting them. 

“I thought you said it wasn’t certain doom?” He scoffed. 

“That doesn’t mean I think everything is going to be okay.” Zoya's voice was strained, drowned out by a sudden gush of wind. He moved closer and she followed his lead. 

“Nina?” He asked sympathetically. 

“What? No,” she shook her head incessantly, pulled from her train of thought. “Zenik can take care of herself. I don’t doubt that for once second.” She paused, contemplating. “I just think the odds are stacked against us this time.” 

“We’ve beaten the odds before.” 

“Not like this. Not when this much was at stake. Not with him...” 

“He’s not as strong as he was before,” he tried assuring her, but it’s not enough. It wouldn’t ever be enough. “He’s getting weaker every day that he’s trapped in the palace.” Zoya shook her head again at that. “What is it?” He asked. She looked at him with an almost piercing gaze; he had to force himself to not shrivel under the intensity of it. 

“Nothing...” she trailed off, shaking her head. Nikolai moved to sit down on a fallen log and she watched him, following him with her eyes. He wished he knew what she was thinking. When he looked back at her, she was biting her lip in what looked like hesitation. She looked almost.. nervous? No, that couldn't be it. “I can’t help but notice that you left the future queen behind for this little expedition,” she said. It wasn't really a question but he could tell she was still waiting for an answer. 

“How very observant of you,” he scoffed before his brain could urge him to stop. 

“Well? Is there a _reason_ for that? You can’t possibly think she’s safer there than she is here?” The words sounded bitter as they were falling from her lips into uncharted territory. 

_There is a reason_ , he wanted to say, _it’s the same reason I’ve been pushing the wedding off for weeks_. He didn’t want to do it, he couldn't. “She is.”

It didn’t matter that he didn’t say it out loud, she read it on his face anyway. “You don’t trust her?” She questioned, but coming from Zoya it didn't sound like an accusation. Her voice was soft and empathetic. She sat down next to him, added: “I thought you were supposed to be the optimistic one." 

“I don’t trust her,” he confirmed. “Not yet. Not entirely. _Should I?_ ” 

“And yet you’ve asked her to marry you?” 

He sighed. “You were the one who told me to find a bride. You practically shoved me onto the alter, Zoya.” 

Her expression fell. “I know,” she said, firmly. “I’m just curious.” 

“Why?”

“Because it’s my job to be.” He could feel her shoulder flush against his, her hair loosened from sleep tumbling over their connected shoulders. “It’s my duty to protect you. And Ravka.” 

“Right.” A beat. “Well, Ehri’s safe. She’ll be fine.” 

“And you?” She added quietly. Nikolai couldn't stop himself from noticing that there was something about the way she said it. Something he couldn't pin down, making his heart race. “Will _you_ be fine?”

“Don’t tell me you’re worried about my feelings getting hurt, Nazyalensky?” He mocked, swallowing on air. 

If he’d expected a witty retort, then the look on her face was a sign of the times. It sobered him up instantly. “It's not just your heart I’m worried about.” Zoya was never scared, not like that. It terrified him to hear it.He couldn't remember her ever sounding so small, couldn't even blame her. There was a war barreling toward them and it was not going to be easy. If anything happened to her... 

If he lost her he would go insane. 

She reached out and placed a hand on his, in reassurance, as if reading his mind, and it was so unlike her that it rendered him still and soundless. If only for a minute. “Zoya, you don’t have to worry about me,” he said after a beat. He didn't miss the way his voice changed when he said her name. He turned her hand over in his, clutching tightly onto it. She nodded, eyes silently searching his face. “You surely don’t have to worry about me getting my heart broken by Ehri.” 

He could leave it at that if he wanted to. It would be so, so easy to simply stop. But it’d been on his mind all day and all week and a really long time and there was something about the golden glint in her eyes that made him think she wasn’t going to hate him for it so he said: “It’s not hers to break. It never has been.” He’d never been good at keeping a secret from her, anyway. 

Whatever else he needed to say then died on his lips as their closeness intensified until he kissed her or she kissed him and he felt himself unravel. He never imagined kissing Zoya would feel like it did, he never imagined it would be slow and warm. It’s both impulsive, a racing blur of passion and intimacy, and something he’d been waiting so long for that he couldn't remember when it started. It's sitting in front of a fire in the middle of winter. He kissed her like he was making sure nothing got lost in translation. He wanted her to know every thought, every feeling, every emotion he was too terrified to name. He wanted her to know that if he were anyone else and the circumstances were any different it would be her. It would always be her. It  _ was _ her.

He kissed her lips, her neck, he trailed her collar bone with the back of his thumb. The sunset turned them golden and he reached for the ribbon tying her hair up, undoing it before her hair came crashing down, framing their faces, trapping them in the kiss. It was the best feeling in the world. The kiss was colored pink like blushing cheeks and a shade of sapphire that would haunt him until the end of time. The sky was twilit when she pulled back, each of them losing their breath. He felt the loss immediately, heavy and all-encompassing, scraping at his skin. Her hands were clasped in his. She was smiling but it’s shaky and he doesn’t know how long it will last. He was met with the sudden memory of meeting a man named the best painter in Ravka, at a banquet years ago. He wished, more than anything at that moment, he could ask him to paint that scene. Zoya with a smile on her face that could ruin lives, Zoya with her hair billowing in the wind and the sky turning her eyes into something earth-shattering. He imagined covering the palace walls with the perfect portrait of her in a perfect moment that he knew was fleeting even as it was happening. It was as if he could feel the hands on a clock moving around them and speeding through like it was nothing. Like the moment wasn't going to haunt him as long as he lived. The sun had already disappeared behind the mountains. “Saints.”

“Nikolai,” she started, and then shook her head. And he was almost glad for it because he knew that whatever would come next, it would surely break his heart. If they made it out of this alive he’d remind her to finish the thought. That's the first thing he managed to have hope for in a while. 

“I know,” he promised her, and he didn't let go of her hand until the sky had turned black and the world had come back all around them. He thought that if this was where the world ended, then he would gladly go down with it. 


End file.
